Honesty.

Hmm. I'm back. I feel as though it's time for me to change the tone of this blog. I want to be as honest as possible. Not so much for the audience. But for myself. With that in mind, let's begin.

I feel depressed, most of the time. I can go through the day cracking jokes, smiling, seeming overall fine, But underneath all of that, I feel LOW. I want to make myself disappear. Not suicidal, though I've been there before. I feel as though I'm taking up too much space. Ironically, I eat a lot when I feel this way, so I end up taking even more space. -_- The worst part about it i, I know I make the people around me feel sad. I know that they'd enjoy my company, and that they miss me. But I feel so down in the dumps that I don't want to spread my feelings to anyone else, so I isolate myself. That's the crazy part about depression. The things that you KNOW would make you feel better are the things that you push the furthest away. I'm not sure if I'm feeling this way because my cycle started today, but I don't think so. I think this feeling is always lurking around me, and sometimes an imbalance in me brings it out. Here I am writing about this on a blog, instead of reaching out to a family member, or friend, or professional. I feel like this is my cry for help. Except I know no one is going to read this besides me, so my cry is a silent one.

I know that it doesn't have to be this way. I understand that I made this choice on my own. I just have no idea of how else I can handle this right now. I can't see another way. I know, logically, that it's out there. It's not even far. Buuuut, I can't seem to reach for it; at least not right now. Whenever I feel this way, I wonder how I would ever manage to marry someone. I wonder how my husband could stay with me when I literally can't make the effort to keep myself in his presence.

Why get married if all I want to do is be alone. That's my depression talking. I know why I want to get married. I want someone that I can love on. Someone that I can hold to my heart and place the softest kisses upon his head. Someone that I eagerly open myself for because I trust him with my heart. Someone that I can lavish with my gentleness, and make him burn with my sensuality. Someone whose lips taste like home, and whose arms feel like protection. Someone who I want to take care of and feel no resentment towards. Someone I respect. And most importantly, someone who does the same and more for me. Every single "serious" experience I've had with men has been e trying to convince them that I'm worth loving. That is piteous. I NEED to be with a man that feels that I'm one of the greatest gifts God has given him, and has no problem showing that. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be WANTED. I'm almost 27 years old, and haven't yet met this man. Well, I have faith. God is far greater than my fears or concerns or my sadness. I'm still going to see a therapist and go to the gym though.

Bye.

Ayeeeee

Soooo...I'm back. Like titties. HA! Anyways, I've finally caught up with the new world and got a new laptop...one that actually has a camera! Round of applause. I'm trying to decide if it'll make it easier for me to blog. So far, I'd say yes. I'm enjoying the fact that it's not a tank like my other baby. ANYWAYS!

There has been a lot of things happening since I last addressed you. I'm back in school, Ferguson, potential boo...I gotta keep y'all informed! I'll be back very soon to give y'all my thoughts on all three of these things. Much love.

-Uche

Hold You Tight

Oh haaaay. Today, I want to talk about love. What does love mean to me? I have no idea, honestly. I have SO much love for my family. It's unquenchable, unstoppable, unconditional. In regards to love for a partner...hmm. I'd like to say that I've had first-hand experience with it. I fell in love almost ten years ago, when I was young and dumb. Years later, I'm still single (always have been), and am still no closer to experiencing the type of love that I'd like to have for a lifetime.

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm so single, but then I usually answer that question pretty quickly. It's ME. I'm the one that has chosen to remain absolutely alone. There are a few factors that contribute to this, the main one being that I prize my solitude. There are few things that can bring me more peace in my life than me being by myself, doing something I enjoy. I only want to surrender some of my alone time for someone that 100% deserves it. Also, it's not difficult to get into a relationship, but it is difficult to get into one with the right person. There are BILLIONS of us on earth, and I'm just looking for one, soooo...this may take a while.

While I do enjoy my solitude, I sometimes wonder about the person in my future. I wonder if he'll be compassionate, intelligent, full of common sense, respectful, loyal, loving, trustworthy...because I do get lonely at times. I'm in my mid 20s and I've never even been close to being in a real, committed, relationship. I almost care enough to really worry about it, but then I remind myself that regardless of my age, I don't want to throw my standards out of the window in pursuit of a boo. It's not easy though...of late, I feel like I'm aching for someone to hold me tight. Someone to exchange thoughts with, and laughter, and passion, and love. True, brightly burning love. Under all this sarcasm, cynicism, goofiness, and solitariness, I'm a romantic. I love HARD. Hopefully, the person who'll make the wait worth it will be around sooner, rather than later.

Well, I'll catch up with y'all soon! I miss writing, so I won't take as long to post again. Ciao per allora!

- Uche

Still pondering.

Chellur folks! As some delicious egusi soup bubbles on the stove in the background, I still ponder about the direction of this blog. I wasn't joking when I said that I'm pretty peaceful most of the time, so I feel like I'm not angry or annoyed enough of the time to have a blog called, "Peacefully Annoyed." Sooo, let's revisit the format. I'm thinking I'll keep the highly annoyed moments, and toss in whatever I feel like - that could include what I'm wearing, what's on my mind, where I'm traveling...who knows? I honestly think my blog needs to be as random as I am. Which is VERY. Well, that's enough for now. I'll be back soon y'all! Thanks to everyone that took time out of their day to read this. Much love!


- Uche

Introducing...

Oh hey y'all. Welcome to my new blog! As the description says, this will basically be about how I balance what I want in life (peace), with what I actually experience (annoyance). Most people who know me will tell you that I am the most mellow of souls. They would also tell you that when I am annoyed, it gets about as real as the demise of Keyshia Cole's career. HA! Well then! Let's get to it.


One thing, of many, that truly strips me of my inner peace is when I read/hear/see someone fix their mouth to tell a woman ANYTHING about how she's doing life wrong. EXCUSE YOU. Last time I checked, the only business you need to mind is YOUR OWN. Every single day women are told some sh*t, usually wrapped up in concern, that has to do with how we should govern ourselves. And the worst part is that it starts so YOUNG for so many of us. My mom always tells me a story of when I was in Nigeria, and we went to church. At the tender age of 7, some old biddy walked up to me and told me I should be ashamed of myself for not covering my head in God's house...me being the VERY gentle soul I was back then, proceeded to cry profusely as my mother read that woman the Riot Act. We're taught shame so early; if not directly from our families, then certainly from outside sources. "Sit with your legs closed," "Don't burp, it's not ladylike," "If you get any taller no one will marry you," blah blah blah, bullsh*t bullsh*t bullsh*t. WHY DO WE TAKE THIS CRAP FROM PEOPLE?!!?!?

I see it from all sides now. Men AND women telling other women that they shouldn't be stay-at-home moms, that they shouldn't work so much, they shouldn't dance so provocatively, they shouldn't marry so soon, they should get married, they shouldn't love this or that person; you get the picture. When does it stop? Where does it end? Well, since we can only control ourselves, I propose that when you notice it and experience it, stop that foolishness in its tracks. Now that I'm a bit older and barely any wiser, this is my usual course of action. In college a guy told me I shouldn't be so excited about a football game, and that I should calm down. I promptly told him to kiss my ass. Peace was immediately restored.

I'm going to end this here, because I can. To all of my lovely women, stay strong. We got this!

-Uche