Honesty.

Hmm. I'm back. I feel as though it's time for me to change the tone of this blog. I want to be as honest as possible. Not so much for the audience. But for myself. With that in mind, let's begin.

I feel depressed, most of the time. I can go through the day cracking jokes, smiling, seeming overall fine, But underneath all of that, I feel LOW. I want to make myself disappear. Not suicidal, though I've been there before. I feel as though I'm taking up too much space. Ironically, I eat a lot when I feel this way, so I end up taking even more space. -_- The worst part about it i, I know I make the people around me feel sad. I know that they'd enjoy my company, and that they miss me. But I feel so down in the dumps that I don't want to spread my feelings to anyone else, so I isolate myself. That's the crazy part about depression. The things that you KNOW would make you feel better are the things that you push the furthest away. I'm not sure if I'm feeling this way because my cycle started today, but I don't think so. I think this feeling is always lurking around me, and sometimes an imbalance in me brings it out. Here I am writing about this on a blog, instead of reaching out to a family member, or friend, or professional. I feel like this is my cry for help. Except I know no one is going to read this besides me, so my cry is a silent one.

I know that it doesn't have to be this way. I understand that I made this choice on my own. I just have no idea of how else I can handle this right now. I can't see another way. I know, logically, that it's out there. It's not even far. Buuuut, I can't seem to reach for it; at least not right now. Whenever I feel this way, I wonder how I would ever manage to marry someone. I wonder how my husband could stay with me when I literally can't make the effort to keep myself in his presence.

Why get married if all I want to do is be alone. That's my depression talking. I know why I want to get married. I want someone that I can love on. Someone that I can hold to my heart and place the softest kisses upon his head. Someone that I eagerly open myself for because I trust him with my heart. Someone that I can lavish with my gentleness, and make him burn with my sensuality. Someone whose lips taste like home, and whose arms feel like protection. Someone who I want to take care of and feel no resentment towards. Someone I respect. And most importantly, someone who does the same and more for me. Every single "serious" experience I've had with men has been e trying to convince them that I'm worth loving. That is piteous. I NEED to be with a man that feels that I'm one of the greatest gifts God has given him, and has no problem showing that. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be WANTED. I'm almost 27 years old, and haven't yet met this man. Well, I have faith. God is far greater than my fears or concerns or my sadness. I'm still going to see a therapist and go to the gym though.

Bye.